Paper Train
by Merluvlee
Summary: What would've happened if Paper Mario hadn't been aboard the Excess Express? Beau T., the Toadette waitress on the train, takes over the sticky, gooey mystery.  Rated T, just in case.


_ Clack, clack, clack._

The _Excess Express_ rolled smoothly but loudly along the rickety train tracks.

_Clack, clack, clack._

Being so used to the sound of wheels against wooden tracks, I barely even heard it anymore.

_Clack, clack, clack._

The day was fading to night with a brilliant sunset. You were always in for a show when traveling on this train. Most of the passengers had left the dining car after dinner, minus one ratooey who continued to nurse the coffee I'd made him over an hour ago. Chef Shimi was making loud noises in the kitchen, cleaning the leftover pots and pans from dinner. For the _Excess Express_ dining car, this was peace and quiet.

Soon, the sky was dark blue and dotted with stars, and the only visible things outside were the silhouettes of trees whipping by. It was around 8:00 on the first day of the trip, which was the most relaxed day of the journey. Usually by day three, passengers became restless and couldn't bear to stay on the train any longer. The only stop made between Rogueport and Poshley Heights was at a deserted train station called Riverside Station, which was only to let the travellers stretch their legs.

The ratooey cleared his throat, and I hurried over to him to clear his table. "Was everything to your liking?" I asked, picking up his still half-full coffee cup.

He lifted a sleek black suitcase onto his lap from under the table, and checked to make sure the locks were secure as he replied, "Yes. Quite good. Very good."

With a smile, I responded, "Glad to hear it." I began to turn and walk away when he called out, "Miss?"

I turned around again. "Yes, sir?"

He fidgeted in his seat a little. "I heard from a colleague of mine about a supernatural being living on this train…Can you confirm that?"

With a laugh, I answered, "I don't think we have any ghosts on the train, sir, if that's what you're asking. Sorry to disappoint."

He frowned slightly. "Very well. And what did you say your name was?"

"Beau T. Enjoy the rest of your stay on the _Excess Express_." This time, I turned and walked away briskly before he could bother me more.

Finally, it was silent in the dining car. I dropped the coffee cup off in the kitchen, and was about to go back to my room when a stout, blue penguin wearing a tweed hat, a red bowtie, a satchel, and gripping a magnifying glass came stomping over the threshold.

"Can I help you?" I asked, startled by his appearance.

"There's a family of Bob-ombs in the room two doors down from mine, and all they do is yell at each other. Would you please do something about them?" he sniffed, twirling is magnifying glass in his wing.

"I'm just a waitress; I don't really deal with–"

"The name's Pennington. Detective Pennington, to be exact. I cannot stand to carry out my investigation if the Bob-ombs in room 008 are…well…pardon this unfortunate pun, but if they're blowing up at each other."

He left the dining car before I could react, so with a sigh, I headed for room 008.

The second I entered the next car over, I could hear the Bob-ombs arguing. Their shouts echoed down the hall, and it was a wonder I wasn't able to hear them in the dining car. Before I even reached their room, I inferred from the argument that it was their son's birthday, and both parents wanted to give him something different. I slid open the door of their room, and poked my head in. "Excuse me folks, but I've received a complaint that you're being too loud…Would you mind keeping it down a bit?"

For a second, the mother and father looked blankly at me. The father was gold, and wore a charcoal gray top hat on his head that matched his gray boots. A mustache stretched across his face. His wife was silver, and wore cerise-pink high heels that were the same color as her ridiculous hat. Their little bronze son stood next to them, looking quite uncomfortable.

After the awkward pause, the mom stared at me and asked, "What would you rather give your child; the _Advanced Learners Classic Series of Bob-ombery_, or—" she shot her husband a look, "—a car?"

I stood there with my mouth open, staring at the silver bomb. "Uh…"

When that answer failed to fulfill her question, she turned back to her husband. "She obviously agrees with me, Goldbob!"

Clearly unsettled by his wife's arguing in front of me, Goldbob replied, "Sylvia!"

And they were shouting at each other again. I looked sympathetically at their son, who was trying his hardest to ignore his parents.

"I don't want either of those things," he whispered to me.

"Oh yeah?" I grinned, bending over to hear him better.

"_Advanced Learners Classic Series of Bob-ombery_ is boring, and I don't need a car…"

"Well, what do you want?"

His eyes sparkled. "I'll give you something special if you figure it out!"

I glanced outside, reminding myself it was after 8:00, so I was off shift until the next morning. Without anything better to do, I nodded my head. "Okay, what's my first clue?"

Without missing a beat, he said, "It starts with an 'A.'"

I laughed. The little bomb's parents glanced over at me for barely a second, and continued to bicker. Lowering my voice back down to a whisper, I retorted, "Come on, you have to give me a better hint than that to work off of!"

He frowned a little, but then beamed at me again. "It's a certain someone's au-to-graph. Now you've got it, don'tcha?"

Realization flowed through me. On this particular voyage, a celebrity of Mushroom Kingdom was travelling. Zip Toad, the famous actor, was on his way to Poshley Heights for an unknown reason. I was trying my hardest to get glances of him, but he seldom left his room, and even had his dinner delivered to him by the chef. I'd caught a brief glimpse of him when he boarded, but he was so surrounded by little Toadettes and the lot that I couldn't really distinguish him.

I straightened up. "Will do."

A smile so big stretched across his face that I could barely see his eyes. "Thanks so much! I'm Bub, by the way. I'll try to get my parents to calm down while you're out."

"I'm Beau T. You can call me Beau." I winked at him. "I'll try not to let you down."

Exiting the cabin, the conductor standing at the back of the car called out to me, "Beau!"

The conductor, also known as Duss T., and I had gotten to know each other well from working on the train for so long. Duss guarded the baggage car of the train, so I never really saw him during work hours. However, when I had free time, I loved sit and talk with him, due to his knowledge of gossip.

"Why were you in Goldbob's room?" he sniggered as I approached. "I hear their tempers are quite….explosive."

"Very funny," I giggled. "Well, that detective penguin asked me to keep them quiet so he can carry out his investigation, and I somehow got roped into finding the kid's birthday present."

"What does he want?"

I raised my eyebrows. "Zip Toad's autograph."

Duss burst out laughing. "Good luck getting that! He doesn't let anyone in or out of his room. I heard Shimi had to leave his food on the floor outside so Zip wouldn't have to open the door."

"Well," I said, immediately feeling nauseous, "It's for the good of a customer, I suppose. I'll have to find a way into his room."

"Well, good luck. You know, I hear Bub wants to be a train engineer when he grows up."

Zip Toad's cabin, number 001, stood at the other end of the train. After an entire day of working, I wasn't particularly fond of the idea of shuttling back and forth across the train like a boomerang, but the _Excess Express _had a strict policy about pleasing clients.

I passed through the other cars until I reached the first-class car, where Toodles and Zip were residing. Nervously, I knocked on the star's door.

Nothing happened for a minute. There was just silence. Then I could hear some shuffling, and a deep voice said, "What's up?"

I stood outside uncomfortably for a few seconds. "I'm Beau T., one of the waitresses on the train…I need a favor from you."

"Uh...what's that?"

"I need your autograph. It's not for me though. I mean, I love your movies and I want your autograph too, but this one in particular isn't for me. So, yeah. I need your autograph for a kid on the train." I bit down on my tongue to stop myself from continuing to blabber on.

"No!" came the voice through the door. However, this wasn't Zip Toad's voice. It was shriller, and it sent shivers up my spine. He wheezed, and then his regular voice spoke. "I mean, uh, no can do. I'm…I'm…uh…I've…I can't. I'm sick. I have to get better before the movie I'm shooting in Poshley Heights. Sorry."

Shocked, I stood there, staring at the door. Something was odd about Zip Toad. With a shrug, I walked away, dreading going back to tell Bub I couldn't get his present.

I slid open the door of compartment 008, and tried to ignore the arguing parents as I bent over next to Bub. "Bub…I'm really sorry. Zip isn't willing to give me his autograph."

He blinked at me. "What?"

"I'm tremendously sorry. He says he sick or something—"

"Why would I want Zip Toad's autograph? I'm not a teenage girl." He looked at me curiously.

Now it was my turn to be confused. "Wait, what?"

"It's not Zip Toad's autograph I want," he explained, his eyes dancing. "It's someone else's."

"Oh…okay…" I responded, a little lightheaded. "I'll be back…" I left the room without Sylvia or Goldbob noticing me.

"What happened?" Duss asked when I closed the door behind me and began walking down the hall.

I stopped in my tracks, pivoted around, and strolled over to him. "It's not Zip Toad's autograph he wants."

"Whose is it?"

"If I knew, I'd tell you," I smiled weakly, leaning against the wall. It was nearly 9:00, and I was drowsy.

Duss smirked at me. "I think I know."

"Who?" I asked anxiously.

He sniggered. "I'm not telling. You're a bright Toadette, I'm sure you can figure it out."

"Duss!"

"C'mon, Beau, have a brain. What does the kid want to be when he grows up?" Duss said, now sounding a little sympathetic.

Exasperated, I replied, "You told me this like ten minutes ago. He wants to be—" A light switch in my brain snapped on. I beamed at Duss. "Thanks."

He grinned back. "Good luck."

The train engineer was humming a soft tune to himself when I raced into the engine car. He jumped, startled, but he didn't look back at me.

"I need your autograph," I huffed, out of breath.

He glanced at me briefly. "My autograph?"

"It's a little kid's birthday, and he wants to be a train engineer when he grows up, so he wants your autograph."

The engineer looked amused. "Nobody's ever asked for my autograph before…" He reached into the drawer under the train's controls, and pulled out a marker and a pad of paper. He scrawled his named on it, ripped off the page, and handed it to me. "Tell him I say 'Happy Birthday.'"

"I'll make sure I do that."

I trudged into room 008 for what I hoped was the last time for a while. I held the autograph out to Bub. "Just take it."

Ecstatic, he practically shrieked, "You figured it out! This is the best birthday present ever!"

All was quiet in the compartment. Bewildered, Sylvia and Goldbob gawked at me. Sylvia cleared her throat. "And, uh…what…what is it that this young lady gave you, Bubby?"

He was still gazing at the signature. "She got the engineer to give me an autograph!"

In seconds, the two adults were squabbling again over who suggested that first.

Bub scooted over to my legs, and slipped a piece of paper into my hands. "That's all I can give you right now. It's a coupon to stay at the hotel in Poshley Heights. Thanks for the present."

With a weak smile, I departed from the room.


End file.
